Love - By Naredra Goidani

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People who LOVE, can fall short sometimes. A more honest statement would be, people who LOVE, DO fall short enough times. Hence, to love takes courage. To be loved, takes courage too. We have this funny notion about love…it should be 'perfect'. ALWAYS. A little short of expectations, and we are disappointed 'big time'. Let me express my thoughts on love and loving. It may not be perfect, but it always guides me wonderfully and keeps me sane.

No one can ever live up to your expectations, all the time. Sometimes, you, me, and others, are bound to show up. Sometimes, we will certainly slip up. This is the truth.

See it as a journey in a train. You are sleeping. It is night. You are waiting for a station to come for you deeply want a cuppa of tea. If the station comes and you see the tea man, enjoy the tea completely. Ask for two cups instead of one. remember to pay. And go of to sleep, dreaming wonderful dreams. Sometimes, the station does not come. Sometimes, it came but you were sleeping. Similarly, sometimes love just does not appear. Sometimes, it did appear, we were not ready. So, when love shows up, my suggestion is, enjoy it to the fullest. When it does not show up, take the disappointment in your stride. Keep dreaming. Sometimes, you realise the station you wanted, is not there in this route. When you are convinced it will never show up, either accept it and enjoy the other stations that come, or get down at the next station to catch the next train in the route where you 'expect' that station to come.

When you have love, how to love? Here are a few of my thoughts that I dare to share.

The best of players need a coach. Similarly, I believe, all of us, need love; all of us have a need to love someone. Its a need, as fundamental as our need to breathe oxygen. However, do keep in mind, there is no perfect coach, there is no perfect lover. Each lover brings something to the table the way only they can. Enjoy that love and grow in that love. When I search for a person who can love me always the way I want, my search more often than not, is painful. Even when I meet and then have the great lover in my life, sometimes they will fall short as they evolve, as I evolve.

This has helped me get over this paranoia of looking for perfection in love.

Love comes with wonderful complexities. It is impossible to satisfy someone or to be satisfied with someone, forever.

While some may be great motivators, some are great strategists, some have fantastic personal discipline, some sacrifice greatly, some have great insights, some are great inspirations, some are compassionate, some have great people skills, some are great solo players, some know how to make things enjoyable for others, some know how to have a great time, some are intensely demonstrative, some have looks that shows they are pleased.

Which of the above you DON'T want? Aren't they all important? Aren't they all useful and fantastic? Is it possible to need them separately at different times? Is it possible for one person to have all exactly at the time YOU want?

In love, when our expectations are not met, it becomes complex. We then behave in three possible ways. We stay nice, stay soft and proper. In other words, we stay mild. We hope, things will be better next time. We do carry a little pain in our bosom but we willfully ignore it. Sometimes, we pretend the pain does not exist. We distract ourselves with the mundane or the ordinary.

Alternatively, we become tough. We insist on our loved ones to be on the right track. We take a no nonsense approach towards our loved ones. They might throw tantrums, they might resist, they might even misunderstand….we take it all in stride for our purpose is clear. Our loved ones must remain on the right track. We need to play our role to create them. Deep inside, it is tough for us as well, to behave this tough way. We would prefer to stay the smiley 'lovey-dovey' kind. However, our insights and experiences tell us, toughness is required and we act so.

Alternatively, we become rough. Here, our behavior is bad. Our approach is harsh. We end up hurting. This is because, we are not able to handle our disappointments from our loved ones. In turn there is a hint of cruelty that is visibly on display. Ironically, our intentions are still good. However, it takes HUUUUUGE maturity for anyone to understand this. Mostly, it results is creating distances between hearts.

What is preferred by us? When it comes to our mistakes, we would love it if people are patient and love us the 'lovey-dovey' way. Very rare people would say, tough love is our first choice.

What should be done. Give the 'lovey-dovey' approach a chance. If it fails, move to tough love. Stay this way, however long it takes. Never fall back on the third kind, that is rough love. It is not worth it ever.

Am I ready for 'tough love'?

If your lovey-dovey approach has failed to get results, you should take the approach of 'tough love'. Do not waste your time thinking am I ready for it or not. That is what I need and that is what I deserve. And that has the best chances of producing results.

What do you think my darling loving readers?

With loads of love, prayers and best wishes,

Narendra Goidani

As I Live…I Learn

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